Thoughts

I feel like my life is always transforming.

I have come to some conclusions, though I dislike the word "conclusion". It means end, which isn't really where my head is.

I am pretty comfortable in the learning space. I have ideas, sure. They are based on all sorts of life experiences. I have fought for my ideas, and I have changed them, and I have been led astray by them, and they have landed me in my wonderful life here. Ideas, ideas, ideas. They are vastly important and....well, extremely silly. Don't cling to anything- not life, not relationships, not ideas. Let go and things get a helluva lot easier.

In any event, here are some me-isms I have found lately.

1. Family is important. History is important. If you don't believe this, try asking someone who has been deprived of both. Make-believe family and pretend history (ancestral and others) are not good substitutes. Nothing- absolutely NOTHING- can replace knowing who you are and where you come from.
2. Compassion and love - loving - those are what we are here for. There are no greater lessons and no greater gifts.
3. Tolerating family is your responsibility. You actually do have responsibilities toward your family. Don't go MIA for 30 years and then come crashing back into someone's life claiming all the benefits of your familial ties. If you have forgotten how to behave like a family member, don't expect other people to remember how to treat you like one.
4. That being said, love your wacky family anyways. Life is too short to miss out on so much.
5. Nobody will ever love you the way your family loves you. I'm sorry. I know it sucks. It's still true. I bet there are exceptions. Like, Mother Teresa would probably love me more than any of my family members. But there are few people out there like her.
6. Dogs are awesome. Every kid should have one.
7. Women have forgotten their worth. Men have forgotten their responsibilities toward women. Until we talk about those things, all the politics and religion and culture in the world falls flat. Wanna tell me all about your politics and how they will save the world? How are you treating the women in your life? Let's talk about that.
8. Muslims are beautiful people. There are bad Muslims and ugly Muslims and mean Muslims, but they are the exception. To think that the religion is dominated by meanness or brutality is to be hateful toward an entire group of people, and that is how war starts.....that is how genocide starts.....that is always the justification for evil. Don't fall into that trap. War is necessary sometimes, but at least be honest about it and don't try to assuage your own guilt by turning "all of them" into "something bad".
9. Death is hard to watch. It is hard to bear. It makes me think of my own death, and what I will leave my children. I don't think about leaving them money, or material things. I think about leaving character. Someday I will die, and my children will have a part of me to give their own children and grandchildren. If you think this isn't important, refer back to number 1.
10. I am beautiful. I am a complicated, beautiful, amazing, intelligent woman. I don't say that as a way of degrading other people. I am constantly amazed by other people. As far as I can tell, there is a great amount of beauty in every human being. I believe in the power and beauty of people- I believe people are important, and valuable, and should be protected. Human beings are an asset, not a drain.
11. Motherhood is sacred.
12. So is fatherhood.
13. So is childhood. And, they only get one of them. This frightens me, because I have failed my son in many ways and I can't go back in time and redo things. He only gets to be a little boy once. I get one chance to do it right. Remember that when you have kids.
14. Dress well for things. This seems to be a lost art or something. We hear all about the Muslim girls who wear modest clothing and how offensive it is to our Western ideals, yet go to court or a funeral sometime and see how far we have fallen. We no longer have any respect for anything. Dress well when you go out to dinner, a funeral, a wedding, to court, or the theater. You are not only showing self-respect, but respect for the people around you.
15. Think about the other side. Whatever you are doing, think about who it will affect. Just think about it- it isn't hard. Consider this: you have lived your life and it has been yours. Do you know much of anything about other peoples lives? Instead of assuming that they are full of shit or misinformed, simply assume that they have developed their opinions based on their experiences in life. You may not want to admit that you have had different opportunities or experiences, and it is easy to put the onus on the person "complaining" about their life. People really do experience stuff that you just cannot imagine. There is suffering and anger out there that is utterly incomprehensible to you. You don't get it, but then again.....you don't have to. It isn't yours. Let people have their experiences and don't worry about it. It is very paternalistic to suggest that you have a better understanding of the lives of other people than they themselves do.
16. Prepare for death. I mean that. It seems awful, and it is. But you could die tomorrow and your family would be set adrift. Get your stuff in order and let them know ahead of time, just in case.
17. Forgive. This is connected to compassion, which is connected to love. Compassion is connected to understanding, even if it's just the admission that you don't really understand. Look, sweetie, I have no idea what you have been through and I don't know why you are behaving this way. But, I love you and I am here for you. I am trying to understand, I am trying to forgive. Like that.
    

Personal story: My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship from the beginning. I have come to understand a few things about my reactions to her.

I was adopted away from her, and reunited at 17. Immediately she tried to claim the role of family member, which she had not earned. It wasn't that I felt it was her fault that she hadn't earned it- it was simply the truth. It wasn't hers. She couldn't claim the benefits of motherhood when she hadn't put anything into it (besides giving birth to me).

Then, she tried to label all of my experiences. Everything I felt, she thought she understood. But how could she? She isn't me, I am not her, this is MY experience. She wasn't adopted away, I was. It was mine. Trying to label it or dissect it was a dominating thing to do, and I was deeply offended. I wanted to have my own voice.

I realized that I, too, was labeling her experiences. Because I felt abandoned, I assumed she had abandoned me. Because I felt hurt by her choices, I assumed she either hurt me on purpose or didn't care that she was hurting me. I didn't understand at the time that I was stealing away her voice, too. Everything that she had experienced became about me; everything I experienced became about her.

This was a kind of cathartic thing for us, because it did away with the "otherness" we had felt for years. Now we were impacting each other on a very profound level.

This couldn't last. All attempts to take back our voices felt like a re-wounding. She tried to talk about her experiences, and I heard "I am this other person who abandoned you."

I tried to talk about my experiences, and she heard "I am this other person who is angry and hurt by you."

Neither of us saw the human being behind all of the pain and posturing. We still haven't. Isn't that a shame?

In any event, there are my me-isms and a personal story for flair.

Now go love each other.